5 ways on How to Engage with a High Conflict ex. Step Mom Edition!
Let me say this first, having an ex in any situation is not ideal. In fact, it sucks! It’s horrible. Who enjoys knowing that their spouses Ex is texting and calling them or even seeing them from time to time? I can’t tell you the many times I’ve wanted to rip my ears off hearing my husband speak to his ex. StepMom life!
If you’re reading this, then I’m sure you’re well aware that in the step family world the Ex is along for the ride. It’s hard enough dealing with an Ex, but throw in a high conflict Ex (baby Mama drama alert) ANNNDD you have a recipe for potential disaster! Buckle up!
I will say this, not every Ex is high conflict! There are Exes out there that are rational, healthy, functional human beings who understand their role in the co-parenting equation.
So, before we jump into how to engage with a high conflict ex, lets first talk about why she may be a high conflict ex. (Cue Compassion!)
Having a child(ren) with a man and then separating or divorcing is messy and it’s hard. Let’s not forget any break up is hard because it can be ugly, many feelings are hurt, and it also depends on the reasoning for separation! However, a common theme under every break up is pain because all emotions are universal.
Now, imagine the man you spent time with and birthed a whole human with is now gone and with someone else. YIKES! That’s difficult even without children around. The feelings of pain build up, thoughts of questioning your worth happen, sadness increases, and a whole mixture of difficult emotions begin to swirl. Feelings like anger, resentment and jealousy may pop up. Now, throw in some anxiety symptoms, depressive episodes, a history of high conflict relationships and zero healthy coping skills. And just like that, you’ve got yourself a potential high conflict Ex.
Once these heavy emotions begin to brew, it’s easy to lose sight of one’s self, personal emotions, conflict resolution, and healthy coping skills. This leads to impulsive behaviors, reactions instead of responses, lack of self-care, and difficulty remaining rational. Which is why simple phone calls turn into arguments, scheduling visitation is hell, your personal house rules are attempted to be overruled, petty text messages are a regular , parental alienation happens, child support is used as a weapon, and the child can be potentially used as a weapon to hurt the other parent.
I do believe if the high conflict Exes knew how to separate their hurt from their parenting, there wouldn’t be many high conflict exes and sharing a child wouldn’t be as petty as it can be.
Now that we’ve taken a quick dive into the underworking’s of a high conflict ex, lets focus on how we can engage with them in a healthy and functional manner!
My intention here is to support StepMoms and their engagement with a difficult baby mama. As I mentioned before, not all Exes are high conflict! I do believe there are Exes that are rational, respectful, healthy co-parenting human beings.
Here are 5 ways that will help you engage with a high conflict ex
1. Boundaries!
This one is crucial! Boundaries is #1 because without them you cannot utilize the next 4 steps. Everyone on this earth deserves to have healthy functional boundaries, including StepMoms! It’s important to know and communicate what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with!
2. Disengagement/ Engagement
How much do you want to be involved? Keep in mind that just because you are a stepmom, it does not mean you need to be involved in co-parenting duties like scheduling, emails, phones calls, etc. YOU ultimately decide how engaged you want to be or if you want to be full hands off. That includes never having to deal with the high conflict ex! (bonus!)
3. Compassion
Leading with compassion for others and for yourself leaves room for positive emotions. It helps soften those difficult emotions and helps show some loving kindness. If the Ex just so happens to yell at you (set boundaries first and foremost!), you can take time to breathe and say something like “She might be having a hard day today and that’s okay. We all have hard days”. Don’t get me wrong, yelling at someone is never okay and not justifiable in this scenario, this is simply an example of when compassion can be used to soften your emotions so that way you can cope with the madness in a healthy manner and go on to have a great day. Self-compassion sounds like “I’m really pissed and I did the best I could by setting my boundaries. I’m human”
4. Mindset Check
Check in with yourself! Especially right before engaging with the Ex. Check in to see where you’re at with your emotions, your thoughts, and your mood. If you’re already feeling annoyed, maybe take space and not engage in the pickup/drop off. Or if you have to engage, show self-compassion and keep engagement brief. Being mindful of what your carrying helps you not only manage your emotions, but you are able to take care of you during the engagements. It decreases the odds of you reacting to something triggering by the EX. Which is something we do not need to happen!
5. In control vs. Out of your Control
Remembering what we can control and what we can’t control will help save a lot of grief and lost time being upset. A very important thing to remember is that us Stepmoms did not create the situation we are in. We did not participate in the birthing of the child, the conflict, the separation, and/or divorce. Therefore, it is not ours to fix or carry. It is way out of our control! What I enjoy doing is drawing a diagram and labeling one side as “ in my Control” and the other side as “ Out of my control” ( as seen in my diagram below).
This will help decrease any anxiety and self judgement/pressure and increase inner peace, boundaries, overall ease.
Navigating the StepMom life is hard, but it doesn’t mean that you need to do it alone. I’ve put these 5 steps into great use and it has helped me feel sane, seen, and respected as a woman and as a stepmom. Try them out!
